Front Row

do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter 
to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful than how i felt when we weren't speaking because i 
didn't cop to what i did. i can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. i'd 
like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god  full on the lips. I'm in the front 
row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up i'm too tired to recount the 
unpleasantries one by one.  One minute i want to banish you the next i want to be on 
a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your 
bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened 
slid into the ditch i have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why 
we shouldn't be together i started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)" 
you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily 
refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut 
your stuff off...... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up 
and i laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always 
feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately i cannot reciprocate in my 
current state i think we should be careful of how much time we spend together 
.....for a while while i'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some 
time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about  you I've been wanting 
your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of 
perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)? I'm in the front row the front row 
with popcorn i get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to 
be whipped or wept for certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one 
apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being 
slung towards your outrageous fortune 
hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your 
jeckyl and hydeness i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh 
and said "come here let me clip your wings!" (i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you 
don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back (unfortunately 
you needed a health scare to repriortize.) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them 
won't make an ounce of difference.... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see 
you see you close up oh the things i've done for you many a stitch a friend a man's 
been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many 
a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret.) 

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Baba

I've seen them kneel 
with baited breath for their rituals 
I've watched this experience raise 
them to pseudo higher levels 
I've watched them leave their families 
in pursuit of your nirvana 
I've seen them coming to line up 
from switzerland and america 

How long will this take, Baba? 
How long have we been sleeping? 
Do you see me hanging onto every word you say? 
How soon will I be holy? 
How much will this cost, guru? 
How much longer till you completely absolve me? 

I''ve seen them give their drugs up 
in place of makeshift altars 
I've heard them chanting 
kali kali frantically 
I've heard them rotely repeat your 
teachings with elitism 
I've seen them boasting robes and 
foreign sandalwood beads 

How long will this take, Baba? 
How long have we been sleeping? 
Do you see me hanging onto every word you say? 
How soon will I be holy? 
How much will this cost, guru? 
How much longer till you completely absolve me? 

I've seen men overlooking god in 
their own essence 
I've seen their upward glances 
in hopes of instant salvation 
I've seen their righteousness 
mixed without loving compassion 
I've watched you smile 
as the students bow to kiss your feet 

give me strength all knowing one 
how long 'til enlightenment? 
How much longer 'til you 
completely absolve me? 

--Chanting-- 

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Thank U

how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics 
how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up 
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots 
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo 

thank you India 
thank you terror 
thank you disillusionment 
thank you frailty 
thank you consequence 
thank you thank you silence 

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything 
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once 
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you 
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time 

thank you India 
thank you terror 
thank you disillusionment 
thank you frailty 
thank you consequence 
thank you thank you silence 

the moment I let go of it was 
the moment I got more than I could handle 
the moment I jumped off of it was 
the moment I touched down 

how 'bout no longer being masochistic 
how 'bout remembering your divinity 
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out 
how 'bout not equating death with stopping 

thank you India 
thank you Providence 
thank you disillusionment 
thank you nothingness 
thank you clarity 
thank you thank you silence 

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Are You Still Mad

are you still mad i kicked you out of bed? 
are you still mad i gave you ultimatums? 
are you still mad i compared you to all 
my forty year old male friends? 
are you still mad i shared our problems 
with everybody? 

are you still mad i had a an emotional affair? 
are you still mad i tried to mold you into 
who i wanted you to be? 
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions? 
of course you are 
of course you are 

are you still mad that i flirted wildly? 
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you? 
are you still mad that i had one foot out the door? 
are you still mad that we slept together even after 
we had ended it? 
of course you are 
of course you are 

are you still mad i wore the pants most of the time? 
are you still mad that i seemed to focus 
only on your potential? 
are you still mad that i threw in the towel? 
are you still mad that i gave up long before you did? 
of course you are 
of course you are 

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Sympathetic Character

I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up i was 
afraid of your physical strength i was afraid 
you'd hit me below the belt i was afraid of your 
sucker punch i was afraid of your reducing me 
i was afraid of your alcohol breath i was afraid 
of your complete disregard for me i was afraid 
of your temper i was afraid of handles being 
flown off of i was afraid of holes being punched 
into walls i was afraid of your testosterone 
I have as much rage as you have 
I have as much pain as you do 
I've lived as much hell as you have 
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you 

you were my best friend 
you were my lover 
you were my mentor 
you were my brother 
you were my partner 
you were my teacher 
you were my very own sympathetic character 

i was afraid of verbal daggers i was afraid of the 
calm before the storm i was afraid for my own 
bones i was afraid of your seduction i was afraid of 
your coercion i was afraid of your rejection 
i was afraid of your intimidation i was afraid of 
your punishment i was afraid of your icy silences 
i was afraid of your volume i was afraid of your 
manipulation i was afraid of your explosions 

I have as much rage as you do 
I have as much pain as you do 
I've lived as much hell as you have 
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you 

you were my best friend 
you were my lover 
you were my mentor 
you were my brother 
you were my partner 
you were my teacher 
you were my very own sympathetic character

you were my keeper 
you were my anchor 
you were my family 
you were my saviour 
and therein lay the issue 
and therein lay the problem 

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That I Would Be Good

that I would be good even if i did nothing 
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down 
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick 
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds 

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt 
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth 
that i would be great if I was no longer queen 
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing 

that i would be loved even when i numb myself 
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed 
that i would be loved even when i was fuming 
that i would be good even if i was clingy 

that i would be good even if i lost sanity 
that i would be good 
whether with or without you 

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The Couch

you hadn't seen your father in such a long time 
he died in the arms of his lover how dare he 
your mother never left the house 
she never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her 

you reminded her so much of your father 
so you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive 
and why you can't trust anyone but us 
but then how can i begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water 
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me 

i don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years 
i have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring 
who are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems 
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour 

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn 
i feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were 
it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways 
we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood 

i walked into his office i felt so self-conscious on the couch 
he was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis i don't know 
i've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get 
you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit? 

just the other day my sweet daughter i was driving past 203 i walked up the stars in my minds eyes 
i remember how they would creak loudly 
she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo 
i was only trying to be the best big brother i could 

i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide 
sometimes indignant sometimes raw 
can you imagine i pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes 
it feels like highway robbery 
and sometimes it's peanuts 
i wish it could last a couple more hours 

so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally) 
you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry 
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big 
and i love you more now than i ever have in my whole life 

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Can't Not

i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed 
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation 
would I be letting you win in my non reaction? 
how would I explain? 
how would I explain this to my children if I had them? 
because I can't not 
because I can't not 
because I can't afford to be misread one more time 
would it be whining if I said I needed a hug? 
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough? 
and how can I complain? 
and how can I complain when I'm the one that reaches for this? 
because I can't not 
because I can't not 
because I cannot walk without my crutches 
because I can't not 
because I can't not 
because I can't help wonder why you ask me 
to all the unheard wisdom in the school yard 
you think you're the right ones 
you swear you're the charmed ones I'm sure 
but how can you go on with such conviction? 
who do you think you are when you question me? 
because we can't not 
because we can't not 
because we can't help laugh at underestimations 
because we can't not 
because we can't not 
because we can't afford to be misled one more time 
because we can't not 
because we can't not 
because we cannot help without your willingness 
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still? 
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still? 
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still? 
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still? 

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UR

burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses 
all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me 
if someone broke into my house 
suits in the living room 
do you realize guys i was born in 1974 
we've got someone here to explain your publishing 
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences 
hopeful you are 
schoolbound you are 
naive you are 
driven you are 
take a trip to new york with your guardian 
and your fake identification 
when they said "is there something anything 
you'd like to know young lady?" 
you said "yes i'd like to know what kind of people i'll be dealing with" 
precocious you are 
headstrong you are 
terrified you are 
ahead of your time you are 
don't mind our staring but 
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum 
we're surprised you didn't crack-up 
lord knows that we would've 
we would've liked to have been there 
but you keep pushing us away 
resilient you are 
big time you are 
ruthless you are 
precious you are 

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I Was Hoping

as we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter 
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone 
but i need to talk to somebody 
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before i died i'd be filled 
with such regret before i took my last breath" and i said "you're willing to tell me this now 
and you're not going to die anytime soon" 
and i said i haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes 
but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain 
and yes you're still a fine woman and i cringed 
i was hoping we could heal each other 
i was hoping we could be raw together 
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're 
successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir 
and your money" and when i walked by they said "thank you too dear" i was all pigtails and cords 
and there was a day when i would've said something like "hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it" 
i too once though i was owed something 
i was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other 
i was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up 
i too thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow 
i too once thought life was cruel 
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you i think you're insensitive 
and i don't feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil? 
and you said yes i said i don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said 
"well what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid 
and she threw a shoe at his head. 
i think what he did was wrong and i would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him" 
i had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged 
i was hoping i was hoping we could dance together 
i was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy together  

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One

I am the biggest hypocrite 
I've been undeniably jealous 
I have been loud and pretentious 
I have been utterly threatened 
I've gotten candy for my self-interest 
the sexy treadmill capitalist 
heaven forbid i be criticized 
heaven forbid i be ignored 

i have abused my power forgive me 
you mean we actually are all one 
one one one one one one one 
i've been out of reach and separatist 
heaven forbid average (whatever average means) 
i have been compensated for my days 
of powerlessness 

i have abused my so-called power forgive me 
you mean we actually are all one 
one one one one one one one 

did you just call her amazing? 
surely we both can't be amazing! 
and give up my hard earned status 
as fabulous freak of nature? 

I have abused my power forgive me 
you mean we actually are all one 
one one one one one one one 
always looked good on paper 
sounded good in theory 

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Would Not Come

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to 
if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment 
if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin 
if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect 
i would throw a party still it would not come 
i would bike run swim and still it would not come 
i'd go traveling and still it would not come 
I would starve myself and still it would not come 
if I am masculine I will be taken more seriously 
if I take a break it would make me irresponsible 
if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often 
if I need assistance then I must be incapable 
i'd be filthy rich and still 
it would not come 
I would seduce them and still 
it would not come 
I would drink vodka and still 
it would not come 
i'd have an orgasm and still 
it wouldn't come 
if I accumulate knowledge 
i'll be impenetrable 
if I am aloof no one will know 
when they strike a nerve 
if I keep my mouth shut the boat 
will not have to be rocked 
if I am vulnerable I will be 
trampled upon 
i would go shopping and still 
it would not come 
i'd leave the country and still 
it would not come 
i would scream and rebel still 
it would not come 
i would stuff my face and still 
it would not come 
i'd be productive and still it would not come 
i'd be celebrated still it would not come 
i'd the the hero and still it would not come 
i'd renunciate and still it would not come 

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Unsent

dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect 
that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california 
I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song 
dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and 
you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is 
whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday 
dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive 
and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember 
how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from 
which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me 
dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me 
seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel 
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun 
dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you 
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time 
in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you and your career your whereabouts 

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So Pure

you from new york you are so relevant 
you reduce me to cosmic tears 
luminous more so than most anyone 
unapologetically alive knot in my stomach 
and lump in my throat 
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance 
so pure such an expression 
supposed former infatuation junkie 
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically 
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance 
so pure such an expression 
let's grease the wheel over tea 
let's discuss things in confidence 
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous 
let's solve the world's problems 
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance 
so pure such an expression 

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Joining You

dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic 
saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself 
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and 
yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama 
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion 
if we were our bodies 
if we were our futures 
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you 
if we were our culture 
if we were our leaders 
if we were our denials i'd be joining you 
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know 
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense 
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful 
if we were our nametags 
if we were our rejections 
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you 
if we were our indignities 
if we were our successes 
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you 
you and i we're like four year olds we want to know why and how come about everything 
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak out minds and never talk small and be intuitive 
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon 
we need to find like-minded companions 
if we were their condemnations 
if we were their projections 
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you 
if we were our incomes 
if we were our obsessions 
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you 
we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often 

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Heart of the House

you are the original template 
you are the original exemplary 
how seen were you actually? 
how revered were you (honestly) at the time? 
why pleased with your low maintenance? 
you loved us more than we could've love you back 
where was your ally your partner in feminine crime? 
oh mother who's your buddy 
oh mother who's got your back 
the heart of the house 
the heart of the house 
all hail the goddess! 
you were "good ol'" 
you were "count on 'er 'till four am" 
you saw me run from the house 
in the snow melodramatically 
oh mother who's your sister? 
oh mother who's your friend? 
the heart of the house 
the heart of the house 
all hail the goddess! 
we left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus 
and talked like women to women would 
womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from? 
must've been your father your dad" 
I got it from you I got it from you 
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways? 
in my fits of laughter? 
in my tinkerbell tendencies? 
in my lack of color coordination? 

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Your Congratulations

I wouldn't have compromised as much 
so much of myself for fear of 
having you hating me 
I would've sung so loudly 
it would've cracked myself! 
I became self-conscious 
of anything exuberant 
I wouldn't have sold myself short 
I wouldn't have kept my eyes 
glued to the ground 
if I hadn't known my invisibility 
would not make a difference 
I would've run around screaming proudly 
at the top of my voice 
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck 
i'm talking idealism here 
I would not have been so self deprecating 
I wouldn't have cowered 
for fear of having my eyes cut my comfort off 
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness 
I would not have discredited 
every one of their compliments 
it was your approval I wanted 
your congratulations

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